Saturday, 17 August 2013

Honesty Hour: My Confessions And Insecurities

Saturday, 17 August 2013

My name is Emily Friday. This is me without make-up. I am not perfect. I set myself impossibly high standards to be, but I am not. I'm learning to be okay with that. I put too much emphasis on what others think of me. I try to give good impressions, and get pretty upset when I fail to do so. I don't have many close friends, so I sometimes get lonely. I sometimes love being alone, I sometimes hate it. I have low self-esteem. I don't like admitting that too often because I worry others will think I'm attention seeking/fishing for compliments. I can be judgemental, but it's usually unintentional. Though I have never been officially diagnosed, I think I have been through a mild depression. I sometimes have relapses when things get overwhelmingly bad. I try my best to be optimistic and positive at all times. I always try to make others happy. I love it if I can make others smile. I'm very indecisive about what I want to do in the future. Growing old scares me. I'm pretty sure I've had an eating disorder in the past. I still have a lot of insecurities towards my body. I put too much pressure on myself with looks alone. I like to believe there is good in everyone. I get hurt easily when others don't treat me well. I think this is partly because I get my hopes up, believe something great is going to happen, and get disheartened when it doesn't.  I tend to underestimate my abilities. I think the belief that I am shy, since childhood, has encouraged me to act more shy in situations than I actually am. I love writing, but don't really believe I am that good at it. I compare myself unfairly to others a lot. I've worked damn hard to get to where I am now. I don't think my blog is amazing, and wish I spent more time on it. I do seek validation from others, especially guys, but this is not intentional. I base my self-worth on compliments. I probably try to overcompensate my low confidence with clothes and make-up. I have regrets, but who doesn't? It takes me a while for me to be truly comfortable and truly myself around someone. I am quite distrusting towards people at first. I don't take love or sex lightly. I don't believe in jumping into relationships. I've only ever had one serious one. I've been in love once. I may still be. I may not be. I don't know. I am easily jealous, and very possessive. This whole post is very uncomfortable to write, haha. I miss a lot of people from my past. I tend to beat myself up over situations that I can't even control. I am quick to apologise and no longer like holding grudges. I try to forgive as much as I can. I rely on others too much for my happiness, even though I know I shouldn't. I get attached to others easily. I don't handle rejection or criticism well. I don't like sad music because I find sadness an uncomfortable emotion. It gets you thinking. I already overthink a lot. I sometimes overreact. I enjoy being single, but worry about ending up alone, like everyone else. I have body dysmorphia. I know some people may think I'm confident (if I take a lot of pictures of myself) but I do that to try and feel better about myself. I would hate for others to think I'm conceited and self-obsessed. I've been dealing with pretty bad family situations for almost 10 years. I believe this is why I hate arguing and conflict of any sort. I have my bad days.

But I am trying to change that. I am trying to change all of these things. Most of them will not be easily changed over night. It will take time, but I am willing to try. It's taken a recent depressive phase of mine to realise a lot of the above I just mentioned. To realise that I place too much importance on how others see me, and how I am so afraid for others to see the real me. And what a stupid fear that is. It's taken me this to realise that I can no longer rely on others to fill that void within myself, and make me happy. I am in charge of how I feel. External things only count for a tiny percentage of my overall happiness and contentment within myself. I am focussing on being a better person. To myself, and others.  I wrote this post to finally get rid of my fear of being vulnerable to what others think. To truly reveal myself. 

My name is Emily Friday, and I am a great person. I have my fair share of flaws and insecurities, but I'm working through them. I have a wonderful sense of humour. I am kind. I am caring. I take the time to be thankful for everything I have in my life. I am humble. I am passionate. I am ambitious. I give my heart, soul, and everything into what I do. Everyday I focus on being grateful. I work hard to achieve my goals, and I deserve to succeed. The only person I'll ever need to rely on is myself. I am a beautiful person. And I will try to believe that.

This is who I am, and I'm not going to change for anybody. The only person I will ever change for, is myself, to benefit me and me only. I challenge you to do the same. Write a post exposing your biggest insecurities, fears, and confessions. If you hesitate  you'll know you have a worry about ruining this self-image you've worked on, and how you want others to see you. If you do write one, send me the link. I'd love to read it.

Remember - never make assumptions on first impressions. There is usually so much more beneath the surface.

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