Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Why My Vlogs Aren't Public

Wednesday, 18 January 2017


*Time for a gruelingly personal and realistic blog post! Sit yourself down for this one!*

As you might have guessed from the title of this post, I have 'vlogs'. Well, sort of. I have been watching various Youtubers vlog their lives for a few years now, so much so that I've pretty much replaced watching TV with this activity (and even Netflix, occasionally). There's something so satisfying about watching people live their happy little lives, swooning over their fortunes and success (and obviously, appreciating the cute animals: I'm 50% more likely to watch a vlog if there's a dog in there somewhere).

There have been many times over the past few years where I have, also, considered starting a YouTube channel myself. It can't be that different to blogging, right? But that little nagging voice in the back of my head always stops me.

'What on earth would you vlog about? Your life is boring'.
'You're not pretty enough to vlog. You wouldn't be able to handle mean comments (if you ever gained that much popularity)'
'...Nobody would watch them'
'You don't have the means/equipment to make them look good etc. etc.'
'What would people who actually know you in real life think of you for doing this?'

Al sorts of shit excuses.

After watching a video before that was in my recommended, however, it got me thinking.

The guy in this video basically talks about those YouTubers who participate in daily vlogging, and how negatively it's impacted their lives. Likely because of the constant need to make their lives seem amazing, editing out all the boring parts, and feeling the need to force positivtiy and happiness for the camera. In a way, this is another thing that stops me from taking part: I don't think I could ever do daily vlogs, but what if I became so obsessed with this version of myself I show to the internet that I lose my true identity?

I have a YouTube channel, and I have videos on there, but many are private. I have simply made it this way because I am a bit of a coward and am afraid of criticism and rejection. All for the above reasons I stated earlier -  I feel like it wouldn't be worth uploading a public vlog if it wasn't exciting enough/perfect enough.

I think this may also be why I stopped blogging for a long time. I used to be so into it, I used to look forward to writing something new about my day or week, making outfit posts, doing my make-up all nice to take pictures of and write about later. But the pressure to make your life look better than it really is is incredibly exhausting, and when you feel like you can't force yourself to anymore, you quit. Unfortunately, this is the day and age we live in with social media. I think Instagram and Facebook are the worst culprits for this, but there is so much emphasis on presenting your best self and your highlights to the world that on those days where you feel like you've not got everything going for yourself or anything less than what you think your life should be, your self-esteem crumbles.

I wrote a comment on the video above, it went a little something like this:

This probably sounds kinda fucked up but i think it'd be really refreshing to see a vlog where somebody has an argument, something boring is happening or someone is quite clearly depressed and is open about that fact and either talks about it or doesn't. Not that anyone should force themselves to film if they're not feeling good, obviously, but I think that could potentially make people feel better about the fact they don't always lead exciting, happy lives, and that's okay. Maybe there'd be less pressure in vlogging that way. I've wanted to start vlogging for a long time but this is what puts me off i guess. Also, a vlog where people don't film themselves but instead film through point-of-view, so everyone sees what they see. I think there's too much focus on how we all look and appear to others, got to be smiling, got to be attractive etc. It's exhausting!

Then it got me thinking, wait. Why don't I do the thing that I would find refreshing, then? It probably wouldn't work quite so well with a new Youtuber just starting out, but why not just push myself to film something I would deem not 'interesting' enough to film, to start making my videos public, to just film my day and myself for what it is and not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks or how many views it'll get. I'll probably ruminate for a while over whether I should even post this as it's not the usual thing you see on my blog.
But maybe it's time for a change.

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